Silverware and Highways

I wish I could say that this is the first time I've felt like this.

I don't want to be with my boyfriend anymore. I don't have the heart to tell him. I also don't trust myself that this is my final decision. I know this is the last chance.

When we got together in 2006, it was amazing. We were already best friends. Now we were just best friends that kissed. What's the harm in that.

A lot. One is always more invested in the other. One always gets hurt easier. And one always has to leave. When you're 19 - you aren't planning for marriage. And when I was 19, and dating my best friend, I knew that because I too, wasn't planning that this was "it" for me, when this relationship ended, I'd be losing my boyfriend AND my best friend.

It was a 2 for 1 deal I didn't much care for.

Weirdly enough - we lasted up until graduation in 2008 - And we went in different directions. For the first time we found ourselves in a long distance relationship. With both of us car-less (he crashed his, I sold mine and moved to NYC), it was quite difficult to do the 3 hour travel between NYC and Philly. And with weekends being our only time to do so, and with weekends being our only time to do ANYTHING that didn't involve our careers, sometimes we didn't want to travel. And sometimes when one of us didn't want to travel for one reason or another, the other didn't understand.

Or the other didn't feel like priority.

And then there would be a fight.

And when you fight on the phone - there is no make up sex. There is no "let's grab dinner and just hang out." There's "sorry" over the phone, and the weeklong or two weeks long or however many weeks long wait until the next time you can steal away 2 or 3 days to maintain something that never once needed to be maintained.

When TBF and I took our first "break" in the Spring of 2009, a year after we graduated, we decided we'd still talk but we wouldn't be together.

That's another thing. When you're in a LDR, you can't just talk and not be together. ALL you do is talk in the first place because that's all there is.

So when I started dating a co-worker, casually, TBF - who technically was only a friend at this point - decided to cut me off.

I was happy. I liked having butterflies for someone new. I liked putting on dresses and outfits this new guy had never seen me in. I liked that he wasn't fully aware of what I looked like in sweats and glasses and a messy bun as I trudged down to the dining hall after a night at the town bars. I liked the uncertainty of something new. I liked feeling like I was an adult in an adult relationship, instead of being 23 and carrying baggage I've had since I was 18 years old.

And when that ended - when the butterflies went away, when I took a promotion at work and he couldn't deal with the power struggle (that he created), we stopped seeing each other. And I missed TBF.

I missed all of the things I had been happy to get rid of when I began dating new guys - I missed feeling pretty to someone, even if I was in sweats and glasses and a messy bun. I missed my best friend.

He missed his girlfriend.

And so - 3 months ago, I agreed to give him his girlfriend back, so I could get my best friend back.

And 3 months later - today - I'm starting to think it was a really poor, thoughtless choice.

What's a girl to do at a fork in the road?

Oh "Shoe"t

Today's Outfit: Black pants, white tank top, gray cardigan, green striped scarf, statement necklace, black headband, flats.

What's this blog about again? Oh right. Me and my lack of style.

Why would I decide to change things up now, though, at 23?

Ok. Maybe I should start from the beginning. For real this time.

I live here.

See this girl, below? I live with her.

More on her later. Here's some important items you can find in our apartment that might give you a few more clues about why I am paying so much attention to my personal style lately.

These guys are always staring me in the face when I get home.

I wish I was kidding. This is no average issue of needing a few more staple pieces to make a good wardrobe, you guys. This is serious. I go to sleep in a room next to Manolo and Valentino. Miu Miu, Stewart Weitzman, and Christian Louboutin are there too and guess who isn't invited?

Me. Not because my roommate doesn't try to invite me (she does!) but because they tease my size 10 foot with their size 8 mold.

But where do I start? I may be able to design a blog page but I cannot, for the life of me get dressed properly.

Messy Day

Today has been kind of a mess.

I have foundation and eyeliner stains on my scarf - evidence that once again, this hellish job has put me over the edge. I know we're in a recession. I know. You don't have to tell me twice. But I wish I had a job I LIKED. I wish I had a job I was good at. Isn't that what we pay for in college? 4 years to perfect our skill so that we're good enough to get paid to do it?

So a messy day ended up being the day I decided to start my story; this blog. Also, it was the day I forgot to put on deoderant. And that was probably where my day began to downfall. I have evidence of this, too.

TMI?

I want to write more about today. About where I want to go from here and how the hell I'm gonna get there. But right now, I have to go back to work.

day 1 - Here We Go.

I want to tell you about me, but I don't think that matters. Well. It doesn't matter now, anyway. Here are some need-to-knows:

I'm 23 and I live in New York City. I am employed, and I have a boyfriend (we'll call him TBF for "the boyfriend").

That's all the personal stuff I'll put on the table. Isn't there more to me, you ask? Obviously. But I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Here is some (if not the MOST) crucial information:

I have no style.

My friends would say otherwise. Let me tell you, I have GREAT friends. But truly, no style. I'm slightly (and only slightly) better than the people on TLC's What Not To Wear. But only slightly.

I decided that 2010 will be the year I get my shit together. Actually do my hair once in awhile. Maybe put on make-up. Pay attention to trends.

I know it isn't the most important thing in the world.

But you know those days when you look amazing, and in turn, you feel amazing? My goal is to get to have those days far, far, far more often than I have them now.

So here we go.